It’s about time I created a Hall of Fame for those special morons, the ones that make you laugh every time you read their emails, the ones that transcend all name-calling and must be seen to be believed. Halls of Fame must be opened with a bang, though, and I know just the guy to start.

Unfortunately, this is also the *only* ebay moron I’ve ever dealt with that I’ve felt even the smallest tinge of pity for when it was over. As you’ll see, I couldn’t even respond to his last two emails. I abused this guy strictly for laughs. He was my cheap Taiwanese comedy whore.

Oh shit, who cares, this is too funny not to share.

What’s funny is that this guy wasn’t even a customer of mine. He was just some loser with too much time on his hands. He sent me this message via the “Ask Seller a Question” form on a Buffalo Sabres jersey I was selling. He’s in red and my replies are in blue. Like always, everything is unaltered, exactly how I received it.

You state:
Cheapest price ANYWHERE on the internet and in stores!!

I saw this at AJ Wright for $49.99 just on Tuesday.

What’s AJ Wright?

uh it’s a store owned by TJ MAXX

Who’s this TJ Maxx fellow? I’ve never heard of him. Sounds like a fake name.

At this point, I’m clearly just messing with him. Of course I know what AJ Wright is. It’s a major national department store. There’s hundreds of them across the country. That’s like not knowing what Macy’s or Sears is. Would this guy catch on?

Yea ok act stupid or something you know what I am talking about and in fact I bought two and have the receipt to show you which I can scan.

Okay, he did catch on. I guess this guy isn’t *that* stupid. Wait a minute…

Could you? I simply don’t believe you.

Here you go and I have pics of the 2 jersey’s.

Stop playing stupid.

Attached file:

Well, that’s basically unreadable. Seriously, using a scanner is NOT this difficult. The image border is mine. I had to do a simple photoshop edit to actually look at what he sent me. Here’s that:

Yup, so that’s a receipt all right. At this point, this is already pretty funny. He’s already willing to scan a receipt and upload it to a complete stranger on the internet. Could I make this guy do more? Yes, yes I could.

Come on. We both know that doesn’t prove anything. Where on the receipt does it say “Impossibly Cheap Buffalo Sabres Mitchell & Ness Jersey — $49.99″? You could have bought any two items from that store that cost $49.99, inlcuding a recently returned toaster oven and a large teddy bear wearing a top hat with a cane. It also doesn’t prove it’s yours. You could have easily found that on the street, flying in the breeze.

If you really want to prove your point, I’m going to need to see a photo of you, holding a jersey in each hand, with a sign saying “XXXXXXX@cs.com” in front. Simply having a pic of the jersey doesn’t cut it, either, because those could have been lifted from anyone’s ebay auction (even mine!). I just think you’re making the whole thing up.

Ok, there’s absolutely no way he’s going to do this. Who would go to such lengths to prove some stranger wrong on the internet? Remember, he’s not even a customer or potential customer. He even admits I’m playing stupid with him! I’ve had my laughs, but I just went a little too far. I’ll never hear from him again. Time to file this one in my Funny folder and move on.

But wait…

Oh shit.

Come on.

No fucking way.

Not ONE HOUR later, I receive an email from him, with an attachment!

I just think your being stupid because you know that your not the cheapest.

Your pic is attached.

I will await your apology.

PS after I have them rerung and use gift certificates I bought thru DEALPASS I will only be paying $42 a piece.

Attached file:

Good lord man, have some dignity. After staring at the screen for about 10 minutes, I felt like Cartman on that one episode of South Park where he sees the funniest thing in the world (Kenny’s ass on the missing kids section of a milk carton) and now nothing else is funny. What else could possibly top this? This happened ~20 months ago and nothing has come close and no previous imbecile has come close.

This is the funniest ebay moron I’ll ever deal with.

Seriously, just think about this situation from his point of view. What did he tell the person who took the photo? “Oh, it’s nothing. This is to prove I bought these jerseys cheap. No, I am not insane, why do you ask?”

I was left speechless. What more could I say? This was perfect. Maybe I could have pushed it farther. “That’s still not proof it’s you. Make a movie of you putting the jersey on, while writing your email address on the crest in thick black Sharpie. Then, after you’re done editing the video, put it on YouTube so I can really be sure you bought those jerseys at that price. Otherwise you’re lying.”

After two days:

No Comment huh?

Nope, none.

By the way, if I happen to not update this for a while, it means this guy has somehow tracked me down and has crushed my body into a cube. It could happen. He’s clearly crazy. Just look at those eyes. Damn.

Sorry for the lack of updates. There was a month long ebay sale, and whatever free time I had went towards posting crap and shipping crap. Now that I am low on crap and the sale is over, I can resume posting morons for everyone’s enjoyment. How about some classic emails from 2002-2005? The following is an unsolicited message I got through ebay’s messaging service two years ago or so. Unfortunately, I didn’t save his username. What the hell is this guy talking about?

I’m looking for a good trans_universal transportation unit. Do you have the Mccoy self generating g series watch or similar newer models available?

I also need other items you may or may not have available. Please send a (separate) email to me at: support@yirepope.com if available and let me know your terms on doing business.

Thank you

Paul

Huh? After looking up “yirepope,” apparently a few other people received the same email. Strange.

Hmmm, why would a seller sell something on ebay? Especially a seller that has ~40 items up at all times? Yes, all of those jerseys are personally mine and they’re all too small for me, even the 4XLs. Sure, please send me your shitty John Lynch jersey that probably has spunk stains on it for my new with tags jersey.

i believe the original price still stands at $6.50, not $11.47 as you’ve quoted. if there is a shipping fee please email me back and quote me a price.thanks,

andrew

Nah, there’s never a shipping on fee when you have an item shipped to you. Just pay the bid price and I’ll overnight it to you for free. Seriously, I want to know what is going through this guy’s head. I quote him an exact price including shipping, he rejects it, but asks if there is a shipping fee and if so, how much. WTF???

i apologize for the mix up. i’ll be sending you a payment (via paypal), it just seemed confusing to me.
-andrew (“polishprince1977″)

I know. Ebay is tough. I’m 100% purebread Polish and even I want to make a dumb Polock joke here.

Can you tell me what coat size an XL is? – 69b8

Haha, what? I’m selling a jersey, not a coat. Don’t most coats have standard Small, Medium, Large sizes anyway?

what is the highest bid? – drver41

Hang on, let me check.