Ebay Morons Galore!

February 13, 2008

Surely these people are joking

Sometimes I get questions that are so unbelievably stupid, I actually need to consider whether the potential buyer is just messing with me. Very rarely, they are. Sometimes I check to see if the buyer is foreign and is confused by my English in the item description. Hell, most international buyers speak better English than the high school dropout fecal matter I deal with on a daily basis.

Here are some Q’s and emails where I had to step back to consider if I was the target of a serious mindfuck. They’re in red, official replies by me are in blue, and commentary is in black.

This first one is about a youth basketball jersey I had up. Smallish skinny women will occasionally buy a youth jersey as a belly-revealing tank top, but this is not a proper look for the man who sent these emails:

hey i was jus wondering how long the jersey is i mean i’m 5’9 do you think it’s too small?

You’re 5’9 and you’re wondering if a youth large jersey is going to be too small for you?

Yea, do you think it is? I checked yesterday i’m like 5’10.

Unless you weigh like 80 pounds, it’s going to be skin-tight.

Good lord. Normally I just say “yes” whenever someone asks if they think they’ll fit in whatever size item I have listed, but this is just ridiculous. These jerseys are designed for middle schoolers, not 5’10 dudes. I also enjoyed how he measured himself just for this auction.

This next one is from a seemingly experienced Canadian user. He has a strong understanding of the internet and how ebay works, and by that I mean he’s a brain-dead troglodyte. How he managed to get 120+ feedback is beyond me.

Hi there. Are you on-line now? I want to ask you a question about 2 shirts you have for sale. Thanks.

What? Just ask the question. What does it matter if I’m not sitting at my computer with my gmail window open? I didn’t have any auctions ending for a few days, so it wasn’t like time was of any concern.

Here is a person who is confused with tricky, impossible-to-decipher sizes like “XL.”

Hi what is XL 48 mean? My nephew really wants one of these and is tall and thin. These kind of sizes are not what I am used to looking for so they make no sense. I only know what +2 is. I bid on it and will pay for it if I win even if it is the wrong size, I could always relist it…

She knows what +2 means, but not XL or 48? Jesus…

Here’s another person unable to understand simple concepts:

You have this is not a bootleg item was wondering what a bootleg item is. Thank you. -genasintegrity

Bootleg means fake or not officially licensed.

I can’t believe I was able to give a non-sarcastic answer and play as third-grade vocabulary teacher. Genasintegrity, you are pathetic.

One more. Please tell me this person is just messing with me. No one can be this stupid. I know I say that a lot, but I really mean it here. How can you possibly misinterpret the Best Offer system this way? This is from another SELLER, too.

At time of bidding, your ad read the price OR best offer, and at that time there weren’t any other bids. Maybe you shouldn’t waste time with false advertising. If there weren’t any other offers $10 WAS the best offer.If you don’t want to take the best offer, don’t advertise it that way.

I don’t think you understand the Best Offer system at all. Just because you make an offer on an item with no other offers doesn’t mean you win. It’s up to the seller’s discretion as to what offers are accepted. Typically, offers that reduce the bid price by 5-20% are considered. Anything else is laughed at.

You have no idea how hard it was to come up with a reply that wasn’t I HATE YOU over and over again.

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February 12, 2008

Billions and billions of page hits

Filed under: meta — Tags: , , , , — J @ 11:02 pm

Well, maybe not billions, but I’ve been getting more and more page hits, especially since I posted my feelings on the new ebay changes two weeks ago. Thanks to everyone who has referred other people here, or has added me as a link on their blogroll.

More page-hits mean more exposure to search engines, so I’ve noticed I appear higher on search result pages. Also, WordPress has a great feature that lets you see what search string brought people to this site. Most strings are some derivative of “ebay screws sellers over 2008” or “i hate ebay,” but some are funny and/or ridiculous.

Yesterday, two completely different people arrived here via “stupid polock.” A few days ago someone was looking for “canadian sportscard dealer boxes” and somehow arrived here. I repeated that same search and yes, I have used those terms over the last three months, but never together. On one magical day, I got “handling postal clerk stupidity,” “sporting goods + stupid,” “paypal will screw you,” and “ultimate stupidity blog what happened.”

Now that I have a steady stream of page hits, get ready for lots and lots of banner ads, pop-ups, pop-unders, Google Adsense links and Paypal donation gifs.

February 1, 2008

Ebay to sellers: SCREW YOU … Analysis Part Three (Powerseller Program/Star Ratings)

For years, ebay’s Powerseller program was a joke. I was a member for the first few years of its existence, but I literally got nothing out of it, except for a pile of junk mail in my inbox. I got so sick of the junk mail that you couldn’t opt-out of, I actually quit being a Powerseller. Slightly more junkmail-free, I continued selling the way I always have until now.

I’m sure being a Powerseller is useful for novice sellers, because apparently they answer emails and solve problems quicker, but I never had any issues where I had to contact their support team, aside from minor reports of people stealing my photos, etc. However, with ebay’s 2008 policy changes, being a Powerseller is a must, assuming you qualify.

After reading and fully understanding the changes, I quickly emailed ebay support to re-instate my Powerseller account ASAP. Why?

Essentially, if you’re a Powerseller, you will get a discount on your Final Value Fees, which, remember, are the fees that will be going up. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. You also need to keep at least a 4.6 minimum average score on each category of the new-ish star-based “Detailed Seller Rating” (DSR) over the last 30 days. A 4.6 average will earn a 5% discount, while a 4.8 minimum average will earn a seller 15%. Got that? Notice all the qualifiers.

A discount on fees? Sign me up. However, I likely won’t qualify, since my star ratings dip as low as 4.3 in some categories. I won’t know how I’ve done in the last 30 days until ebay releases their new Seller Dashboard, which will have a far more detailed evaluation of everything you’ve done over the last 30 days. I like the idea of discounted fees for Powersellers, but basing it on the flawed DSR system is a mistake.

This blog didn’t exist when the DSR system was released in May 2007, but I was pissed and wrote about it elsewhere. In a nutshell, I found the entire system unnecessary. In the past, clueless buyers would leave an unwarranted neg, it’d hurt your average, but you’d move on. No big deal. Now, brain-dead trogolodytes will leave a neg AND give you one-stars across the board, hurting 5 averages instead of 1.

I’ve received a little under 1000 positives since May 2007, but only around 500 DSR reviews. If they’re going to have this system, leaving a star rating must be mandatory. When a buyer is pissed for whatever reason, he’s going to leave you a 1/5 rating for everything, no matter how fast the item was shipped or how well you communicated. It’s also going to make non-unhappy buyers think harder about the transaction. It used to be “Wow, the item came in the mail fast, great!” Now it looks like we’ll be seeing “Well, the item came fast and is as described, but the seller didn’t email me the morning of shipment, and overcharged me $1.09 on shipping. I’ve giving him three stars on everything!”

Some categories are useless, too, and don’t apply to most transactions, namely “Communication.” ~95% of my selling transactions go down without any communication at all. They pay, I ship within a day or two, they receive the item, everyone is happy. Do I get 5 stars for communication even though I didn’t say a word to the buyer?
Hell, I even have proof that the star ratings are BS. A friend of mine sells almost the exact same items, and charges $.50-$1 higher shipping across the board. We mail the items the same way at the same speed, and yet his “Shipping and handling charges” rating is .2 higher than mine.

What the hell is that? This isn’t a small sample size, either; this is ~500 DSR reviews. Normally I wouldn’t think twice about it, because, who cares, really? However, now there is money on the line and I want my ratings to be as high as possible so I can get the FVF discount.

There’s another major obstacle the DSRs present a Powerseller. Starting in July, if a seller has DSRs below 4.5 in any category over the last year, their Powerseller privileges will be revoked. That’s awesome ebay, thanks.

Another nice benefit of being a Powerseller is that beginning on Feb 20, sellers will finally have expanded protection from Paypal chargebacks, notably in international transactions. Well, that’s super, but shouldn’t that protection extend for ALL ebay/Paypal customers? The infrastructure will already be set up; it won’t cost billions to serve everyone the same.

Basically, ebay is lifting their collective middle finger to anyone who only sells casually. They have drawn a line in the sand and are now admitting that they don’t care about protecting that single mom who sells a few books a month, or an artist who sells one painting a week, or any new customer who wants to give selling on ebay a try. Ebay’s relationship with Paypal makes me sick sometimes.

If that doesn’t piss you off enough, how about ebay’s new iron curtain method of displaying search results? Here it is, straight from their website: “Search visibility will be tied to customer satisfaction. Customer satisfaction is reflected in a combination of DSRs, Feedback, and fewer complaints filed of an item being “significantly not as described” (SNAD) or “item not received” (INR). In March 2008, Best Match will become the default sort in search to give more buyers the results they want and will increase exposure for sellers with DSRs 4.6 and above and at least 95% customer satisfaction in the last 30 days; and decrease exposure for sellers with low customer satisfaction or Shipping & Handling DSRs.”

All right, if you want to make this a search method, fine, but why does it have to be ebay’s new default starting in March? Who the hell wants to search this way? It only makes sense to search for items that are ending soonest, have just begun, by price, and by location. Best Match? Best match of what? It’s going to be a jumbled mess of results that simply will not help the seller. Is a seller with a 4.7 rating in the Shipping & Handling category really better than one with a 4.6? Will a buyer spend more on an item in this case? I don’t think so and I see this becoming a disaster.

Even though I (and many other sellers across the country based on what I’ve read) don’t like most of these new changes, ebay is still trumpeting them as a good thing, as something “you’ve asked for.” However, one major, MAJOR change is buried; hidden in the last page of the 2008 Change Overview page, at the very end of the FAQ, questions 27 and on.

“In a small percentage of cases where it has been determined the risk of dissatisfied buyers is higher, PayPal may delay release of the payment funds to the seller until the buyer has left a positive feedback or 21 days have passed without a dispute, claim, chargeback or reversal filed on that transaction.

To determine if a transaction may have a higher risk of dissatisfied buyers, eBay reports to PayPal a number of factors, including but not limited to:

  • Seller’s % Positive Feedback in the last 30 days
  • Seller’s Detailed Seller Ratings in the last 30 days
  • Final price for the item
  • Shipping & handling fee
  • Seller’s eBay tenure as an eBay member
  • Seller’s total number of Feedback”

Yes, you read that right. In about 5% of transactions (or more if ebay tags you as a potentially bad seller), Paypal will hold the complete payment for 21 days, or less if the buyer leaves a positive feedback before then.

What happens if you need that money right away to pay for shipping, especially if it’s a heavy item, or something going overseas? This is another policy that’ll never affect me directly, but I’ve already heard from several people who don’t have a lot of money in their bank account to pre-pay for shipping.

This policy benefits no one, either. It obviously pisses the seller off, and the buyer experiences no greater security because they will still have to follow through with the chargeback process, which they’d have to do anyway, with the exact same results. There have been no reports that the chargeback process has been streamlined, so it’s the exact same method as before, just now ebay/Paypal gets to collect interest on your money for 21 additional days. What a scam. I’m wondering if this is even legal.

That’s enough writing for one day. Ebay, Paypal and the 2008 rules can eat me.

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