Ebay Morons Galore!

July 25, 2008

A package from Texas (Ebay Morons Hall of Fame Idiot #2)

When I checked my mail earlier today, I noticed there was one of those “We Missed You” notes from the post office, telling you they have a package for you that needs a signature. I found it strange, because I’m not expecting anything, let alone anything important enough to be signed for.

I walked over, picked the package up, and once I saw who it was from, I immediately started laughing. I didn’t even need to open it as I knew exactly what was inside. It was an ebay item back from May, whose return was not authorized by me. Let’s start at the beginning.

In late May, this guy bought an authentic Team USA Soccer jersey made by Nike from me. He paid and insisted I use Signature Confirmation. No big deal, kind of a strange request, but whatever. I shipped within 48 hours and after two days or so he started sending me crazy daily emails like this:

I sent you $40 by paypal per our agreement for the White nike
>> USA soccer jersey size Large. Today is May 28th, and as of yesterday, I have
>> STILL not seen it in my PO BOX. Have you sent it yet? Maybe you forgot. I
>> don’t know. If so, PLEASE send it by SIGNATURE CONFIRMATION priority mail.
>> This way we both know I got it. NOBODY but ME signs for mt stuff at my PO
>> BOX just so you know. Please update me on the situation and give mt the
>> tracking number on the signature confirmation. Also, can you get me a
>> Germany white #7 Schweinsteiger jersey in ome white size Large also?
>> Thanks, (HIS NAME)


STILL WAITING for my jersey, did you send it yet? Let me know, and give me the postal tracking number for the signature confirmation please so I can look at expected delivery date. Also, what can you sell me a white home Germany soccer with #7 Schweinsteiger name kit and the Euro 2008 patch on the shoulder in size LARGE? Please advise.

I had already shipped his jersey with the SigCon so I looked up the tracking number. Turns out he’s one of those idiots who complains about slow shipping, when the item is sitting at his post office, waiting to be picked up. I sent him:

I looked up the tracking number and saw this:

“Label/Receipt Number: 9121 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Status: Notice Left

We attempted to deliver your item at 11:01 AM on June 6, 2008 in SPRING, TX 77393 and a notice was left. It can be redelivered or picked up at the Post Office. If the item is unclaimed, it will be returned to the sender. Information, if available, is updated every evening. Please check again later.”

So it looks like you have your item after all. You just need to pick it up. Also, you were sent an automatic email from Paypal with full shipping/tracking information when I shipped, so I don’t know why you’re still asking for a number. Thanks.

I noticed he finally picked up the jersey two days later, so I figured all was well. Not so much. Almost two weeks later I got this:

The jersey arrived and picked it up yesterday. Unfortunately, it looks like NIKE has “downsized” their jerseys a bit. Though it says same exact measurements as my Manchester United jersey (which fits me perfectly). However, the shoulders are too tight, the torso seems a bit small, and the sleeves are way too short. So I need that same jersey in Size Extra Large please (XL) instead. I put the USA jersey on top of my Man U. jersey, and saw it could practically “fit” into my MAn U. jersey. I know the XL in USA white will fit, so please set one aside for me and I’ll send it back to you, then you send me the right size. The jersey is really nice. Too bad Nike can’t keep their sizing correctly. Notr your fault. Oh well, that’s the way the ball bounces, huh? Have a great day, and please advise me that you HAVE set aside an Extra Large in this USA jersey for me. Thanks.
Cheers, (HIS NAME)

Note how he says he picked the jersey up “yesterday” when he actually did like 12 days previous. Did it take him two full weeks to send this email? Disregarding that, I don’t know what more I could have done for this guy. The item was accurately listed and I provided measurements. I didn’t even have any more size XLs at this point, so I just had a laugh at yet another worthless soccer fan and moved on.

Fast forward to today, about six weeks later. I opened up the package and enclosed was a letter. Here it is, with personal info edited (click me).

Seriously, what the hell? Why does he think I have size XL of this? Who just sends an item back like that, with no authorization? He used Priority Mail with SigCon, too, which cost him $7+. I’ve sold tens upon tens of thousands of items over the years and this has never happened. I’ve never even heard of it happening. This situation is so profoundly idiotic, I’m not even sure I’m doing it justice. Why does he keep asking for a Schweinsteiger Germany jersey IN EVERY EMAIL? I sold two or three USA Soccer jerseys in a month and now I’m his go-to guy for all soccer apparel? I don’t even know who Schweinsteiger is. Fuck.

I’ve dealt with three people from The Woodlands, TX over the last few years and all three have been functionally retarded in some way. What is going on in that part of Texas? Is the government secretly running tests there to create some sort of Super-Idiot-Manchild that cannot be stopped? If so, it is definitely working.


  1. Wow, that guy was a complete idiot. I’m lucky I haven’t had to deal with anyone like that yet. Although I did have someone recently want to return a modem he bought off of me, that he used for an entire month, then claimed it stopped working.

    I said I would not refund his money because he already had it for a whole month but would help him troubleshoot the problem. Guess what it was! His girlfriend plugged in an entirely different power adapter.

    Anyways, I couldn’t find your email anywhere on this site, but I was wanting to ask if you if eBay has charged you a mysterious $200 fee for no reason at all yet? Yesterday, eBay charged me $200 in one day. I sold no items that day, or listed anything that day either, yet.. There it was, a big $200 fee. It wasn’t in recent activity so I had no idea what it was for.
    So I contacted billing, and you know what they said? “Oh yes, we are aware of this problem and it should be resolved in a couple of days from now” and you know what that means? I’m going to end up paying $200 for no reason. They say it may sometimes appear like that in the system for no reason…

    Um why? lol. Anyways, just wanted to see if you’ve ever encountered that BS before.

    Comment by Dunbert — August 2, 2008 @ 1:10 am

  2. Ya gotta admit, even though he’s an idiot, he’s still polite about everything.

    Comment by efefwe — September 17, 2008 @ 4:30 am

  3. I don’t know, I don’t think people who send daily emails demanding where their item is are that polite. Even so, all the politeness in the world doesn’t make up for incredible amounts of stupidity.

    Comment by J — September 17, 2008 @ 1:24 pm

    • If you ever are unfortunaate enough to find yourself in the Woodlands, you will realize that said intelligence level is the norm in that area.
      I thought it may have been the water but had not thought of the government conducting a super-idiot experiment there. Maybe inbreeding?

      Comment by stilbo — October 11, 2010 @ 5:54 pm

  4. You come across as a most unfriendly character and unfortunately have no idea how to deal with people which makes you “the moron” !! LOL

    You don’t know who Schweinsteiger is?
    That makes you an even bigger moron !
    There is a saying that fits you perfectly “stupid Americans”.

    Comment by MarkOne — October 26, 2010 @ 6:10 pm

    • I know, I hate effortlessly making a lot of money on ebay. What a moron I am. I know it’s hard for a pinhead like you to understand that soccer isn’t popular in the States and American football isn’t popular overseas. What a concept! Here’s a saying for you: “arrogant Euro-trash.”

      Comment by J — October 26, 2010 @ 7:23 pm

  5. You’re original posting made me laugh so hard. Just what I needed..I’ve been living the Ebay stupid buyer blues
    Trust me that the moronic phase on Ebay has reached a new high since then..I think Ebay should make everyone that dares make a move on the site first pass a basic IQ test.

    Comment by marie — December 20, 2012 @ 8:56 pm

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