Ebay Morons Galore!

November 13, 2008

BEST WEEK EVER!!!! (part one)

And of course by “best” I mean “complete disaster.” Except that “complete disaster week ever” doesn’t make any sense, but you get my drift. This week, I achieved something I had never done before in the modern era of selling (post-VCD for me) — three negs and a neutral feedback, absolutely none of them my fault. And on top of that, the neutral feedback guy stole ~$450 worth of stuff/money from me. Awesome.

Actually, it wasn’t even a week. They all came in the same three-and-a-half day span. It was like I got six months’ worth of morons out of the way all at once.

Yeah, obviously I’ve gotten bad feedback before, plenty of them, but never this many in a row and never completely out of the blue like this. Here’s the breakdown:

Neutral feedback: Item never arrived but paypal got my money back…$30 shipping for that?

The item was an expensive hockey jersey and it was going to the Vancouver area. I shipped it two days after they paid via Priority Mail. Barely ten days after he paid for the item (seven business days), the buyer starts going nuts. Here’s the first exchange:

Hey,

I paid $30 for shipping so where is the jersey? I would expect it to arrive pretty damn fast at that rate!

It was mailed soon after you paid via International Priority Mail. Keep in mind that it can still take up to 2 weeks for items to arrive sent via that method.

At this point, he opens a Paypal dispute and immediately escalates it. I know I’m fucked, because there is no tracking number with Priority Mail, only EMI/Global Express, which I didn’t use because it would have cost $45-60 for such a heavy item. I can’t win the dispute; I need to have him close it himself. The package had to arrive within the next 10 days or he’s getting all of his money back, S&H included.

Keep in mind I live on the east coast (American side), so even with Priority shipping, it can still take a while. I make Priority mandatory for all expensive items to eliminate the chance of the item being lost and to keep the crybaby Canadians quiet. Until this point, I had never lost a package shipped via Priority, domestic or international.

I tried reasoning with him, telling him to be patient and that it would be there soon. I even scanned in the dated customs form, proving that I had mailed it when I said I did. It wasn’t a timely item. It wasn’t like he was going to a game or was meeting a player for autographs or something. He’s one of those guys who buys cheap jerseys to resell in their own store. Here’s another stupid email from him:

Listen,

USPS express priority (which costs about $20 for a jersey) takes about 3 days to get to Canada. I have a feeling you didn’t spend anywhere near $30 on shipping which is why it is taking so long. I’ll cancel the claim when and if it arrives, I’m not into defrauding people but I will damn well hold you accountable for that kind of shipping fee.

“Express priority” is not a real service USPS provides. There is EMI (Express Mail International) and Priority. Not both. You can only use one or the other. Also, it does NOT take three days for ANY package to get to Canada, aside from Global Express Guaranteed, which, according to the usps.gov postage calculator, would have cost $69.75. It even says on the website that International Priority can take 6-10 days, sometimes more depending on exactly where it’s going. This is a seller spewing all this nonsense, not some hick who gets one or two packages a year.

He makes a big deal out of the $30 shipping charge. First of all, the shipping price is listed in three places in my item description. I’ll never understand why people bid but don’t agree to the auction terms. Second, I clearly state that there is a handling fee on all transactions, especially international ones since the fees are so high. Again, don’t like it, don’t bid. I say it in bright red text. Third, I was pretty close with the shipping cost. The actual postage was twenty-some dollars, which I proved to him when I scanned in the customs form one email later.

Yes, he’s going to hold me accountable for doing everything I said I would do. That, or steal my money.

I don’t think I need to tell you that I ended up losing the chargeback. I really did hold back on the emails. I tried to be as nice and professional as humanly possible because I wanted him to close the dispute. I know this is a website about snarky responses to stupid retards, but there weren’t any at this point. After I read the email stating I lost the dispute, I checked my feedback to see there was a happy little neutral waiting for me. How nice.

At this point, I don’t give a shit, because the dispute is over and feedback was left. I seriously want him to know just how dumb he is and that his actions were not acceptable on any level, so I went into overly dramatic mode this time. Here goes:

I see you have decided to steal my money with help from Paypal. Right now, you have caused me to lose a $350 jersey AND $95 cash. You, (NAME), are a thief. There is no other way to put it. You deserve to be locked up and held accountable for your actions. How do you sleep at night and look people in the eye when you know you’ve stolen ~$450 worth of goods and money from an honest stranger?

People like you make me sick. I proved that I mailed the jersey promptly via the listed method and you still proceeded with the chargeback. A chargeback that was opened at an absurdly early time. Impatient, idiotic buyers like you, (NAME), are the reason that ebay is a cesspool. You are the reason that most US sellers don’t ship to Canada or overseas. You want the convenience and low prices of buying internationally, but you are unwilling to accept the minor risk that the item won’t arrive or will arrive late. Yes, it’s the seller’s fault that Canada Post is wildly unpredictable with customs and delivery time. Keep telling yourself that.

Please, for the good of your country, leave ebay forever and buy your crappy hockey jerseys and N64s in your own hometown. Sellers don’t want customers like you. We’d rather make a little less money and deal with someone civil.

On top of all that, you decided to leave me bad feedback. Please, tell me exactly what I, as a seller, did wrong. Unless you wanted me to fly 2000 miles and hand-deliver the item personally, what more would you like me to do? You even made note of the shipping price in the feedback. How dare you make a comment like that when that $30 was part of the $95 you stole from me.

Seriously, you are the worst buyer I’ve ever dealt with in 10 years of selling and this is a new record of financial loss. You are very lucky that you have the veil of the internet and its complete lack of standards and rules to hide behind. Kindly fuck off.

We went back and forth a few times, his responses containing more and more idiotic nonsense that I eventually stopped caring. He did say he’d let me know if it arrived, so maybe me ripping him knocked some sense into his brain, but I doubt it. I don’t care about the neutral, but a $95 chargeback that I couldn’t fight was a new personal record for me.

I received the next bad feedback one day after the neutral and it’s about as baffling as possible.

Negative feedback: BUYERS REVIEW SELLERS NEG FEEDBACK…

It was one of those WTF moments where I literally said aloud, “What the fuck.” The item was an NFL hooded sweatshirt and I didn’t immediately recognize the buyer’s username. I looked up the transaction and I found that I shipped the item within 24 hours of receiving payment and she received the item two days later.

I searched my email to see if any emails were sent and there was one seemingly innocuous exchange. You tell me if this is worthy of receiving a negative feedback:

What color was this supposed to be and do you plan on leaving feedback for the purchase I made on this? Thanks.

Not sure what you mean. It’s exactly as pictured, with a throwback-style faded brown color.

Well obviously from the pic I can’t make out the color.

That’s IT. Nothing else was said. She didn’t say there was a problem with anything. Yes, I forgot to answer her feedback question, but that didn’t come up in her last email. I really don’t know how she couldn’t tell what color the item was, because my photos are huge and numerous. It wasn’t even a stock photo either, it was of the exact item because I only had one. Clearly, this one was 100% my fault and I am a horrible monster for promptly shipping the exact item she bought.

I reported the negative feedback to ebay, and they didn’t even give me a response. Fuckers.

OK, that’s a big enough wall of text for one post. I’ll finish this up in the next day or so.

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July 25, 2008

A package from Texas (Ebay Morons Hall of Fame Idiot #2)

When I checked my mail earlier today, I noticed there was one of those “We Missed You” notes from the post office, telling you they have a package for you that needs a signature. I found it strange, because I’m not expecting anything, let alone anything important enough to be signed for.

I walked over, picked the package up, and once I saw who it was from, I immediately started laughing. I didn’t even need to open it as I knew exactly what was inside. It was an ebay item back from May, whose return was not authorized by me. Let’s start at the beginning.

In late May, this guy bought an authentic Team USA Soccer jersey made by Nike from me. He paid and insisted I use Signature Confirmation. No big deal, kind of a strange request, but whatever. I shipped within 48 hours and after two days or so he started sending me crazy daily emails like this:

I sent you $40 by paypal per our agreement for the White nike
>> USA soccer jersey size Large. Today is May 28th, and as of yesterday, I have
>> STILL not seen it in my PO BOX. Have you sent it yet? Maybe you forgot. I
>> don’t know. If so, PLEASE send it by SIGNATURE CONFIRMATION priority mail.
>> This way we both know I got it. NOBODY but ME signs for mt stuff at my PO
>> BOX just so you know. Please update me on the situation and give mt the
>> tracking number on the signature confirmation. Also, can you get me a
>> Germany white #7 Schweinsteiger jersey in ome white size Large also?
>> Thanks, (HIS NAME)

and:

Hi,
STILL WAITING for my jersey, did you send it yet? Let me know, and give me the postal tracking number for the signature confirmation please so I can look at expected delivery date. Also, what can you sell me a white home Germany soccer with #7 Schweinsteiger name kit and the Euro 2008 patch on the shoulder in size LARGE? Please advise.

I had already shipped his jersey with the SigCon so I looked up the tracking number. Turns out he’s one of those idiots who complains about slow shipping, when the item is sitting at his post office, waiting to be picked up. I sent him:

I looked up the tracking number and saw this:

“Label/Receipt Number: 9121 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Status: Notice Left

We attempted to deliver your item at 11:01 AM on June 6, 2008 in SPRING, TX 77393 and a notice was left. It can be redelivered or picked up at the Post Office. If the item is unclaimed, it will be returned to the sender. Information, if available, is updated every evening. Please check again later.”

So it looks like you have your item after all. You just need to pick it up. Also, you were sent an automatic email from Paypal with full shipping/tracking information when I shipped, so I don’t know why you’re still asking for a number. Thanks.

I noticed he finally picked up the jersey two days later, so I figured all was well. Not so much. Almost two weeks later I got this:

Hi,
The jersey arrived and picked it up yesterday. Unfortunately, it looks like NIKE has “downsized” their jerseys a bit. Though it says same exact measurements as my Manchester United jersey (which fits me perfectly). However, the shoulders are too tight, the torso seems a bit small, and the sleeves are way too short. So I need that same jersey in Size Extra Large please (XL) instead. I put the USA jersey on top of my Man U. jersey, and saw it could practically “fit” into my MAn U. jersey. I know the XL in USA white will fit, so please set one aside for me and I’ll send it back to you, then you send me the right size. The jersey is really nice. Too bad Nike can’t keep their sizing correctly. Notr your fault. Oh well, that’s the way the ball bounces, huh? Have a great day, and please advise me that you HAVE set aside an Extra Large in this USA jersey for me. Thanks.
Cheers, (HIS NAME)

Note how he says he picked the jersey up “yesterday” when he actually did like 12 days previous. Did it take him two full weeks to send this email? Disregarding that, I don’t know what more I could have done for this guy. The item was accurately listed and I provided measurements. I didn’t even have any more size XLs at this point, so I just had a laugh at yet another worthless soccer fan and moved on.

Fast forward to today, about six weeks later. I opened up the package and enclosed was a letter. Here it is, with personal info edited (click me).

Seriously, what the hell? Why does he think I have size XL of this? Who just sends an item back like that, with no authorization? He used Priority Mail with SigCon, too, which cost him $7+. I’ve sold tens upon tens of thousands of items over the years and this has never happened. I’ve never even heard of it happening. This situation is so profoundly idiotic, I’m not even sure I’m doing it justice. Why does he keep asking for a Schweinsteiger Germany jersey IN EVERY EMAIL? I sold two or three USA Soccer jerseys in a month and now I’m his go-to guy for all soccer apparel? I don’t even know who Schweinsteiger is. Fuck.

I’ve dealt with three people from The Woodlands, TX over the last few years and all three have been functionally retarded in some way. What is going on in that part of Texas? Is the government secretly running tests there to create some sort of Super-Idiot-Manchild that cannot be stopped? If so, it is definitely working.

July 8, 2008

Some dude scams me, Paypal says “Yup, that’ll happen”

I don’t think I need to sell this point too hard, but ebay has been an absolute cesspool since their May 2008 changes.

This last month has been the worst for me in nearly 10 years of selling. People aren’t paying in record numbers because there’s no penalty, buyers are leaving retarded bad feedback in droves, ebay/Paypal raised fees making profit margins even slimmer, the economy is ass which means Americans aren’t buying the entertainment-related crap I’m selling, and so on and so on.

I don’t even feel like updating this blog anymore. It used to be entertaining when I’d get stupid emails from dumbasses. Now damn near every customer is an illiterate mongoloid and now it’s costing me time and money. What fun is that?

In the month and a half that these rules have been in effect, I’ve received about 4-5 completely unwarranted negs from stupid buyers and I’ve had to fill out 200% more unpaid item disputes. To be exact, 21 since mid-May. That’s more than I’ve had over the previous 18 months, when I began having a Paypal account as a buyer requirement. Now, as a buyer, you can do whatever you feel like and ebay will do nothing.

Just two weeks ago, a buyer scammed $60 from me. I originally wasn’t going to write about it, because, well, it makes me sick to think about shit like this in my free time, but I’ve already written out most of the story to friends over IM and on various message boards I post on, so it’s already written itself, I guess. God damn that was a long sentence.

The item was a box of 30 or so irregular basketball jerseys sold in late May. It was all junk I bought from my Reebok/Adidas hookup; literally worthless stuff you couldn’t sell for a dollar individually. Many of them had MAJOR factory defects, or had ink all over them from exploded cartridges. It went for $45 or so, and after shipping, it was around $60 total. Buyer had decent feedback, paid, and I shipped to his confirmed address using Paypal shipping, just like a normal transaction.

About two weeks after I mailed the item, I noticed the buyer filled out a Paypal claim saying the item never arrived and immediately escalated it to a full dispute. Because I used Paypal shipping, I didn’t have to respond, because the tracking information was already there. Up until this point, the buyer hadn’t emailed me or anything, just a dispute out of the blue.

I looked up the Delivery Confirmation number and saw that the most recent information posted was that it was processed at the post office near the buyer’s house. Usually this means that either the mailman forgot to scan the item at the point of delivery, or it’s at the post office waiting to be picked up. I sent the buyer an email asking what the deal was, and if he truly didn’t receive the item, he should go to the post office to see if it’s waiting to be picked up. I received a response, in writing similar to that of an autistic 9 year old. He unconditionally refused to go there or call them.

A day or so later, I get an email from Paypal, saying that I *lost* the dispute because the tracking information doesn’t show it was delivered, only processed. I figured I’d be okay since it arrived at the buyer’s zip code. Not so much. since I lost the dispute, I lost the item AND the money.

I immediately get on the phone with Paypal, and after the typical half hour wait, I told the phone rep what happened. Without much badgering, I got the phone rep to admit that anyone can win a Paypal dispute if there’s a postal error like that. She said that if there’s no delivery proof, the buyer will always win, no matter what.

My next question was obviously, “So if I ever notice that a package I receive wasn’t scanned, I can just do a chargeback and instantly win?”

She said, “we will investigate it, but yes.”

I was stunned, speechless. I didn’t know what to say next. Paypal just admitted exactly how easy it is nowadays for a buyer to get their money back with two mouse clicks. I really wish I had recorded that phone call.

Later, I called the post office the package was processed at, and they were no help. Big surprise. I’m still hoping it’ll be returned to me somehow, but I’m not counting on it. It’s a pretty big box, not something that should get easily “lost in the mail.”

That’s not all, either. Right after the guy won his dispute and got his full refund, he NEGGED me. Clearly, this was my fault. Was I supposed to fly 1500 miles so I could hand-deliver the item? I left him a positive saying “NEGATIVE FEEDBACK: BEWARE” etc and ebay REMOVED it because sellers aren’t allowed to do that. Ebay wouldn’t remove the neg he left me (not that I was expecting them to), even though he had the item AND my money.

I figured I’d try to at least get my fees back since I no longer had payment, but ebay put a stop to that immediately. They closed the dispute and I didn’t get any listing fee refund. I don’t understand that one. How is that different from a buyer returning an item, getting a refund, then I file a dispute where I get fees back?

Basically, if I didn’t already have selling down to a science, there’s no way I’d bother with ebay any more. I spend very little time and energy on it, and the money is still worth it overall. I don’t know why around 90% of the people selling on ebay bother. They’re not making money, and you can tell they put a lot of time and effort into it.

But if assholes keep scamming me and ebay/PP keep raising their fees, who knows.

June 17, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

Dear (me),

would this fit a woman? or is it pretty large?

– shuzkelly

Good thing women only come in one size or else this would be a really stupid question. The item in question was a men’s size small basketball jersey and I’ve never heard someone describe a size small as “pretty large.”

May 29, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

This member has a question for you.

Dear (me),

Hi, i told you 15 days ago that i wasn’t going to pay the article because my son had bid for it without permission, and i wanted to leave you a positive feedback and i hope you do the same.

Thank you.

– (Idiot from Spain)

This was in response to me filing a Non-Paying Bidder dispute for this jersey. She immediately emailed after the auction ended saying she was refusing to pay because her son bid, not her.

Yes, I always leave positive feedbacks for deadbeats. I love losing money and time because people can’t control their kids. I negged her and I think it was the last one I left before the new feedback rules went into effect.

May 28, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

Filed under: email of the day, jerseys, stupid emails — Tags: , , , , — J @ 12:53 pm

This member has a question for you.

Dear (me),

ok this might sound dumb but it might give u a laugh. but i really want this jersey but im a poor guy and if this doesnt sell are u gonna put it back up? and also might u give an after auction discount?? haha if not its kool ill hunt it down.

– kingofcali2003

Yep, this did give me a laugh and it’s only proper if I share the comedy with the rest of the world. This was for a $10 basketball jersey. Seriously, if a $10 jersey is too much for you, mayhaps you shouldn’t be playing on ebay. What the hell is an “after auction” discount? Should I implement a confusing and impossible-to-fulfill mail-in rebate offer on items sold?

Shout-outs to my homeboys on the PAL Gaming Network, too.

May 7, 2008

I know, I know, I am a terrible person but this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen (Ebay Morons Hall of Fame Idiot #1)

It’s about time I created a Hall of Fame for those special morons, the ones that make you laugh every time you read their emails, the ones that transcend all name-calling and must be seen to be believed. Halls of Fame must be opened with a bang, though, and I know just the guy to start.

Unfortunately, this is also the *only* ebay moron I’ve ever dealt with that I’ve felt even the smallest tinge of pity for when it was over. As you’ll see, I couldn’t even respond to his last two emails. I abused this guy strictly for laughs. He was my cheap Taiwanese comedy whore.

Oh shit, who cares, this is too funny not to share.

What’s funny is that this guy wasn’t even a customer of mine. He was just some loser with too much time on his hands. He sent me this message via the “Ask Seller a Question” form on a Buffalo Sabres jersey I was selling. He’s in red and my replies are in blue. Like always, everything is unaltered, exactly how I received it.

You state:
Cheapest price ANYWHERE on the internet and in stores!!

I saw this at AJ Wright for $49.99 just on Tuesday.

What’s AJ Wright?

uh it’s a store owned by TJ MAXX

Who’s this TJ Maxx fellow? I’ve never heard of him. Sounds like a fake name.

At this point, I’m clearly just messing with him. Of course I know what AJ Wright is. It’s a major national department store. There’s hundreds of them across the country. That’s like not knowing what Macy’s or Sears is. Would this guy catch on?

Yea ok act stupid or something you know what I am talking about and in fact I bought two and have the receipt to show you which I can scan.

Okay, he did catch on. I guess this guy isn’t *that* stupid. Wait a minute…

Could you? I simply don’t believe you.

Here you go and I have pics of the 2 jersey’s.

Stop playing stupid.

Attached file:

the receipt scan he sent me

Well, that’s basically unreadable. Seriously, using a scanner is NOT this difficult. The image border is mine. I had to do a simple photoshop edit to actually look at what he sent me. Here’s that:

'shopped receipt

Yup, so that’s a receipt all right. At this point, this is already pretty funny. He’s already willing to scan a receipt and upload it to a complete stranger on the internet. Could I make this guy do more? Yes, yes I could.

Come on. We both know that doesn’t prove anything. Where on the receipt does it say “Impossibly Cheap Buffalo Sabres Mitchell & Ness Jersey — $49.99”? You could have bought any two items from that store that cost $49.99, inlcuding a recently returned toaster oven and a large teddy bear wearing a top hat with a cane. It also doesn’t prove it’s yours. You could have easily found that on the street, flying in the breeze.

If you really want to prove your point, I’m going to need to see a photo of you, holding a jersey in each hand, with a sign saying “XXXXXXX@cs.com” in front. Simply having a pic of the jersey doesn’t cut it, either, because those could have been lifted from anyone’s ebay auction (even mine!). I just think you’re making the whole thing up.

Ok, there’s absolutely no way he’s going to do this. Who would go to such lengths to prove some stranger wrong on the internet? Remember, he’s not even a customer or potential customer. He even admits I’m playing stupid with him! I’ve had my laughs, but I just went a little too far. I’ll never hear from him again. Time to file this one in my Funny folder and move on.

But wait…

Oh shit.

Come on.

No fucking way.

Not ONE HOUR later, I receive an email from him, with an attachment!

I just think your being stupid because you know that your not the cheapest.

Your pic is attached.

I will await your apology.

PS after I have them rerung and use gift certificates I bought thru DEALPASS I will only be paying $42 a piece.

Attached file:

what more can i say?

Good lord man, have some dignity. After staring at the screen for about 10 minutes, I felt like Cartman on that one episode of South Park where he sees the funniest thing in the world (Kenny’s ass on the missing kids section of a milk carton) and now nothing else is funny. What else could possibly top this? This happened ~20 months ago and nothing has come close and no previous imbecile has come close.

This is the funniest ebay moron I’ll ever deal with.

Seriously, just think about this situation from his point of view. What did he tell the person who took the photo? “Oh, it’s nothing. This is to prove I bought these jerseys cheap. No, I am not insane, why do you ask?”

I was left speechless. What more could I say? This was perfect. Maybe I could have pushed it farther. “That’s still not proof it’s you. Make a movie of you putting the jersey on, while writing your email address on the crest in thick black Sharpie. Then, after you’re done editing the video, put it on YouTube so I can really be sure you bought those jerseys at that price. Otherwise you’re lying.”

After two days:

No Comment huh?

Nope, none.

By the way, if I happen to not update this for a while, it means this guy has somehow tracked me down and has crushed my body into a cube. It could happen. He’s clearly crazy. Just look at those eyes. Damn.

April 25, 2008

Oops, I forgot to update

There’s about a two-week gap in my “Funny Ebay” section of my gmail. No, people haven’t instantly gotten smarter; I was just having ebay-related email issues.

I live on the East Coast and I used to be an Adelphia cable customer. I used their Powerlink internet service and used their email service for my registered ebay email address. In 2005, I moved, and around the same time, Adelphia went under and Time-Warner took over my local market. I set up my adelphia.net email to forward all mail to my now-permanent gmail account.

Even though Adelphia is long gone, the email forwarding still worked, until about a month ago. I didn’t notice right away, because Paypal has my correct email address, so I was receiving payment like usual. I just wasn’t receiving official ebay emails, like questions to sellers, generic ebay messages, and so on.

Eventually I noticed, so I went to the ebay “Change your Contact Info” page. No big deal, right? I entered in my gmail address, but I got an error message. A very stupid, incorrect error message.

wow

What? My user ID is *not* the same as my email address. It’s the first part of my email address, but not the whole thing. There’s no “@”s or “.”s in my user name. I’m not going to give away my ebay name here, but let’s say my ebay name is doggydiddler. I really can’t use doggydiddler@puppyfart.net as my registered ebay email address? What’s the point? What purpose does that serve? Argh, ebay is unfathomably stupid yet again.

I ended up having to create a brand new gmail account and set it up where it forwards all my mail to my current gmail address. What a waste of time. So now I have the equivalent of doggydiddler2 forwarding email to doggydiddler. Thanks, ebay.

Enough of retarded ebay administrative bullshit. Let’s read some emails. I got this first one on Easter morning. Even if you don’t celebrate the holiday, don’t you have better things to do early on a Sunday morning?

Good morning,

I just recieved an email from ebay that they think this deal did not get done. Would you let them know that it was completed.

Thanks for your help.

This guy gets bonus points for being polite, but unfortunately loses them all for being stupid. I can’t possibly imagine what this guy is talking about. How would I let “them” know anything? I don’t think ebay just sends out random emails like this, either. This guy didn’t send his name, item number or anything with his email, so I can’t even figure out what transaction he’s talking about. What a nutbar.

This next idiot is the kind of idiot I can really support. Dumb as shit, but always bids on my stuff, usually the stuff I post as a joke to see if anyone will bite. He has absolutely no writing or reading skills, but spends thousands of dollars a month on ebay trash. I get frequent emails like this:

is this authentic jersey and how much this jersey goes for email assp

He leaves well thought-out feedback like this:

he is asssome i hope to buy him again

he was great

hew was fine i am sorry i have to go out of town

I really need to add “asssome” to my vocabulary. Later, this same guy asked me:

what do you mean by “a 2″ repair on the front”?

Only a special needs person would be confused by this simple sentence. When a jersey has a two-inch repair on the front, I honestly don’t know how I can possibly dumb it down any more in the item description than what I wrote.

I require that all bidders have a registered Paypal account on file before they bid, mostly to keep out garbage like this:

You ass…your item wouldn’t let me bid on it b/c I didn’t have a paypal account. Matter fact I do, your lose. I wanted to buy the jersey.

So if he really wanted to buy the jersey, why didn’t he just click his mouse three times to add his supposedly existing Paypal account to his ebay account? It takes about 30 seconds to do, which is much quicker and easier than sending me this stupid email. This guy is either ridiculously lazy or a liar. Sounds like your average ebay buyer.

Oh, and he also has 93% feedback AS A BUYER with over 50 total feedback. That’s tough to do without being suspended.

This last person refused to pay at first, then after I filed a non-paying bidder dispute, they paid and sent this:

did u received ma payment already?????

Yesh ah did!!!!!!

February 13, 2008

Surely these people are joking

Sometimes I get questions that are so unbelievably stupid, I actually need to consider whether the potential buyer is just messing with me. Very rarely, they are. Sometimes I check to see if the buyer is foreign and is confused by my English in the item description. Hell, most international buyers speak better English than the high school dropout fecal matter I deal with on a daily basis.

Here are some Q’s and emails where I had to step back to consider if I was the target of a serious mindfuck. They’re in red, official replies by me are in blue, and commentary is in black.

This first one is about a youth basketball jersey I had up. Smallish skinny women will occasionally buy a youth jersey as a belly-revealing tank top, but this is not a proper look for the man who sent these emails:

hey i was jus wondering how long the jersey is i mean i’m 5’9 do you think it’s too small?

You’re 5’9 and you’re wondering if a youth large jersey is going to be too small for you?

Yea, do you think it is? I checked yesterday i’m like 5’10.

Unless you weigh like 80 pounds, it’s going to be skin-tight.

Good lord. Normally I just say “yes” whenever someone asks if they think they’ll fit in whatever size item I have listed, but this is just ridiculous. These jerseys are designed for middle schoolers, not 5’10 dudes. I also enjoyed how he measured himself just for this auction.

This next one is from a seemingly experienced Canadian user. He has a strong understanding of the internet and how ebay works, and by that I mean he’s a brain-dead troglodyte. How he managed to get 120+ feedback is beyond me.

Hi there. Are you on-line now? I want to ask you a question about 2 shirts you have for sale. Thanks.

What? Just ask the question. What does it matter if I’m not sitting at my computer with my gmail window open? I didn’t have any auctions ending for a few days, so it wasn’t like time was of any concern.

Here is a person who is confused with tricky, impossible-to-decipher sizes like “XL.”

Hi what is XL 48 mean? My nephew really wants one of these and is tall and thin. These kind of sizes are not what I am used to looking for so they make no sense. I only know what +2 is. I bid on it and will pay for it if I win even if it is the wrong size, I could always relist it…

She knows what +2 means, but not XL or 48? Jesus…

Here’s another person unable to understand simple concepts:

You have this is not a bootleg item was wondering what a bootleg item is. Thank you. -genasintegrity

Bootleg means fake or not officially licensed.

I can’t believe I was able to give a non-sarcastic answer and play as third-grade vocabulary teacher. Genasintegrity, you are pathetic.

One more. Please tell me this person is just messing with me. No one can be this stupid. I know I say that a lot, but I really mean it here. How can you possibly misinterpret the Best Offer system this way? This is from another SELLER, too.

At time of bidding, your ad read the price OR best offer, and at that time there weren’t any other bids. Maybe you shouldn’t waste time with false advertising. If there weren’t any other offers $10 WAS the best offer.If you don’t want to take the best offer, don’t advertise it that way.

I don’t think you understand the Best Offer system at all. Just because you make an offer on an item with no other offers doesn’t mean you win. It’s up to the seller’s discretion as to what offers are accepted. Typically, offers that reduce the bid price by 5-20% are considered. Anything else is laughed at.

You have no idea how hard it was to come up with a reply that wasn’t I HATE YOU over and over again.

January 15, 2008

On second thought, maybe I should quit accepting mailed payments…

I’ve had a lot of problems with mailed payments recently. Normally I prefer them, since there’s no Paypal fees and no real threat of chargeback. I see a lot of sellers worried about bounced checks, but that’s never happened to me, and I’ve accepted hundreds of personal checks over the years. Obviously money orders are okay, since the money is guaranteed.

I’ve already shown you the woman who underpaid via money order (even though she included the total 3-4 times) a few posts back. I emailed her, she apologized and said she’d send the rest of the money. She never did, but I sent the item anyway because $2 isn’t going to make anyone richer or poorer.

Now I’m getting more and more people who just send money with no information whatsoever. I clearly say in my item description, shipping details, and automatic invoice that if you do not include exactly what you won with your full name and shipping address, I can’t possibly be expected to ship. I refuse to mail a package in a situation where I’m not 100% confident that the name/address is accurate and that it will arrive.

If I just get $30 cash in the mail with only a scribbled return address, this does me no good. Same with blank money orders for a common amount. $24.99 + $8 shipping for a total of $32.99 is a very common payment amount and doesn’t help me find what item you won. If the total is $43.81, I might be able to find who you are because that’s an unusual amount that stands out. You know what I mean. If a buyer includes their name, I can search my email because their name shows up in the ebay “Your Item Sold!” email. This obviously doesn’t work when they pay with a business check when the account is registered to a single person and vice versa.

Like every other kind of ebay nonsense, the holidays are the worst time for this. People just mail checks and are apparently too busy to say who they are and what they won. So I deposit the payment, write down whatever information is given, email the buyer if possible, and simply wait for the buyer to get back in touch with me. I had a nice stack of four payments a few weeks ago with literally no contact/ebay info to work from, which is a personal best for “on-hold” payments at a time.

This reached a new level of absurdity last week when a buyer opened an “Item Not Received” ebay dispute. I asked them in the Dispute Console for their name, shipping address, how/if they paid, and so on to see if they matched one of my “on-hold” payments. After a quick email search, it turns out I emailed this user 4-5 times to verify basic information, because the handwriting was beyond sloppy, they wanted the item shipped to a friend’s address but didn’t make it clear exactly which address belonged to the friend, and they didn’t say what item it was. They never responded, and in the Dispute Console, they said they never received any emails from me.

Essentially, I had a personal check from a person with a dead email address who wasn’t the buyer, didn’t say what they won, and didn’t make it clear where I should mail this mystery item. Clearly this is my fault.

They flipped out in the Dispute Console and finally, everything was sorted out and all the necessary information was given to me. Apparently this was a birthday gift, which might be a bit late, since the auction ended November 17.

It’s times like this I wish everyone just paid with Paypal.

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