Ebay Morons Galore!

June 11, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

Hi,

Can I please cancel this order? Sorry, I wanted something else. Thanks.

Danny

I got this a full day after they won the auction and paid. By this point, I had already shipped and they received the notification email. Who the hell decides they want another item after they win AND pay? I never responded, the DC number shows the package was delivered, and so far, everything seems ok.

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June 9, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

Dear (me),

thanks for the feedback you never left me douche bag

– (idiot from Virginia)

This isn’t so much a stupid email as it is a funny one. I love how offended buyers get when sellers don’t immediately leave feedback. Who cares if all you use your account for is bidding?

Not to mention I don’t leave feedback for buyers in protest of ebay’s ridiculous new feedback rules. Feedback is dead to me, and I officially don’t care about it anymore. Even when I used to leave feedback, I’d do it in bunches (once a month or so), and I would still get messages like this.

June 4, 2008

Terrible Auction of the Day

Some people take those McFarlane sports figures and customize them to other players, usually ones that McFarlane hasn’t made yet, or ever will. When done properly, these customized figures are very impressive and sell for six to eight times the price of the original figure. When done improperly, you get laughed at, like this guy who made this disaster:

JIM KELLY CUSTOM MCFARLANE BUFFALO BILLS LEGEND NIP (item #220242349519)

Oops:

JIM KELLEY

Um…

JIM KELLEY

Niiiiiiice. His name is actually spelled Jim “Kelly” just so we’re clear. Hours of work thrown away. A job well done, sir!

June 3, 2008

Stupid Email of the day

Dear (me),

Hi, although I don’t have paypal account, I will bid for this item. I will create my paypal account tomorrow morning so don’t worry if I win. Thanks 🙂

– a_sixt

I think the simple concept of “Paypal Required” is lost here. Tomorrow morning is a bit too late to create your account because the item ended a few hours ago. Oops.

May 29, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

This member has a question for you.

Dear (me),

Hi, i told you 15 days ago that i wasn’t going to pay the article because my son had bid for it without permission, and i wanted to leave you a positive feedback and i hope you do the same.

Thank you.

– (Idiot from Spain)

This was in response to me filing a Non-Paying Bidder dispute for this jersey. She immediately emailed after the auction ended saying she was refusing to pay because her son bid, not her.

Yes, I always leave positive feedbacks for deadbeats. I love losing money and time because people can’t control their kids. I negged her and I think it was the last one I left before the new feedback rules went into effect.

May 28, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

Filed under: email of the day, jerseys, stupid emails — Tags: , , , , — J @ 12:53 pm

This member has a question for you.

Dear (me),

ok this might sound dumb but it might give u a laugh. but i really want this jersey but im a poor guy and if this doesnt sell are u gonna put it back up? and also might u give an after auction discount?? haha if not its kool ill hunt it down.

– kingofcali2003

Yep, this did give me a laugh and it’s only proper if I share the comedy with the rest of the world. This was for a $10 basketball jersey. Seriously, if a $10 jersey is too much for you, mayhaps you shouldn’t be playing on ebay. What the hell is an “after auction” discount? Should I implement a confusing and impossible-to-fulfill mail-in rebate offer on items sold?

Shout-outs to my homeboys on the PAL Gaming Network, too.

May 27, 2008

Stupid Email of the Day

Filed under: email of the day, stupid emails — Tags: , , , , — J @ 3:09 am

This member has a question for you.

Dear (me),

I would like to buy this from you

– oliver405north

Epilogue: They did not. Why would someone send such an email and not bid?

May 7, 2008

I know, I know, I am a terrible person but this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen (Ebay Morons Hall of Fame Idiot #1)

It’s about time I created a Hall of Fame for those special morons, the ones that make you laugh every time you read their emails, the ones that transcend all name-calling and must be seen to be believed. Halls of Fame must be opened with a bang, though, and I know just the guy to start.

Unfortunately, this is also the *only* ebay moron I’ve ever dealt with that I’ve felt even the smallest tinge of pity for when it was over. As you’ll see, I couldn’t even respond to his last two emails. I abused this guy strictly for laughs. He was my cheap Taiwanese comedy whore.

Oh shit, who cares, this is too funny not to share.

What’s funny is that this guy wasn’t even a customer of mine. He was just some loser with too much time on his hands. He sent me this message via the “Ask Seller a Question” form on a Buffalo Sabres jersey I was selling. He’s in red and my replies are in blue. Like always, everything is unaltered, exactly how I received it.

You state:
Cheapest price ANYWHERE on the internet and in stores!!

I saw this at AJ Wright for $49.99 just on Tuesday.

What’s AJ Wright?

uh it’s a store owned by TJ MAXX

Who’s this TJ Maxx fellow? I’ve never heard of him. Sounds like a fake name.

At this point, I’m clearly just messing with him. Of course I know what AJ Wright is. It’s a major national department store. There’s hundreds of them across the country. That’s like not knowing what Macy’s or Sears is. Would this guy catch on?

Yea ok act stupid or something you know what I am talking about and in fact I bought two and have the receipt to show you which I can scan.

Okay, he did catch on. I guess this guy isn’t *that* stupid. Wait a minute…

Could you? I simply don’t believe you.

Here you go and I have pics of the 2 jersey’s.

Stop playing stupid.

Attached file:

the receipt scan he sent me

Well, that’s basically unreadable. Seriously, using a scanner is NOT this difficult. The image border is mine. I had to do a simple photoshop edit to actually look at what he sent me. Here’s that:

'shopped receipt

Yup, so that’s a receipt all right. At this point, this is already pretty funny. He’s already willing to scan a receipt and upload it to a complete stranger on the internet. Could I make this guy do more? Yes, yes I could.

Come on. We both know that doesn’t prove anything. Where on the receipt does it say “Impossibly Cheap Buffalo Sabres Mitchell & Ness Jersey — $49.99”? You could have bought any two items from that store that cost $49.99, inlcuding a recently returned toaster oven and a large teddy bear wearing a top hat with a cane. It also doesn’t prove it’s yours. You could have easily found that on the street, flying in the breeze.

If you really want to prove your point, I’m going to need to see a photo of you, holding a jersey in each hand, with a sign saying “XXXXXXX@cs.com” in front. Simply having a pic of the jersey doesn’t cut it, either, because those could have been lifted from anyone’s ebay auction (even mine!). I just think you’re making the whole thing up.

Ok, there’s absolutely no way he’s going to do this. Who would go to such lengths to prove some stranger wrong on the internet? Remember, he’s not even a customer or potential customer. He even admits I’m playing stupid with him! I’ve had my laughs, but I just went a little too far. I’ll never hear from him again. Time to file this one in my Funny folder and move on.

But wait…

Oh shit.

Come on.

No fucking way.

Not ONE HOUR later, I receive an email from him, with an attachment!

I just think your being stupid because you know that your not the cheapest.

Your pic is attached.

I will await your apology.

PS after I have them rerung and use gift certificates I bought thru DEALPASS I will only be paying $42 a piece.

Attached file:

what more can i say?

Good lord man, have some dignity. After staring at the screen for about 10 minutes, I felt like Cartman on that one episode of South Park where he sees the funniest thing in the world (Kenny’s ass on the missing kids section of a milk carton) and now nothing else is funny. What else could possibly top this? This happened ~20 months ago and nothing has come close and no previous imbecile has come close.

This is the funniest ebay moron I’ll ever deal with.

Seriously, just think about this situation from his point of view. What did he tell the person who took the photo? “Oh, it’s nothing. This is to prove I bought these jerseys cheap. No, I am not insane, why do you ask?”

I was left speechless. What more could I say? This was perfect. Maybe I could have pushed it farther. “That’s still not proof it’s you. Make a movie of you putting the jersey on, while writing your email address on the crest in thick black Sharpie. Then, after you’re done editing the video, put it on YouTube so I can really be sure you bought those jerseys at that price. Otherwise you’re lying.”

After two days:

No Comment huh?

Nope, none.

By the way, if I happen to not update this for a while, it means this guy has somehow tracked me down and has crushed my body into a cube. It could happen. He’s clearly crazy. Just look at those eyes. Damn.

April 25, 2008

Oops, I forgot to update

There’s about a two-week gap in my “Funny Ebay” section of my gmail. No, people haven’t instantly gotten smarter; I was just having ebay-related email issues.

I live on the East Coast and I used to be an Adelphia cable customer. I used their Powerlink internet service and used their email service for my registered ebay email address. In 2005, I moved, and around the same time, Adelphia went under and Time-Warner took over my local market. I set up my adelphia.net email to forward all mail to my now-permanent gmail account.

Even though Adelphia is long gone, the email forwarding still worked, until about a month ago. I didn’t notice right away, because Paypal has my correct email address, so I was receiving payment like usual. I just wasn’t receiving official ebay emails, like questions to sellers, generic ebay messages, and so on.

Eventually I noticed, so I went to the ebay “Change your Contact Info” page. No big deal, right? I entered in my gmail address, but I got an error message. A very stupid, incorrect error message.

wow

What? My user ID is *not* the same as my email address. It’s the first part of my email address, but not the whole thing. There’s no “@”s or “.”s in my user name. I’m not going to give away my ebay name here, but let’s say my ebay name is doggydiddler. I really can’t use doggydiddler@puppyfart.net as my registered ebay email address? What’s the point? What purpose does that serve? Argh, ebay is unfathomably stupid yet again.

I ended up having to create a brand new gmail account and set it up where it forwards all my mail to my current gmail address. What a waste of time. So now I have the equivalent of doggydiddler2 forwarding email to doggydiddler. Thanks, ebay.

Enough of retarded ebay administrative bullshit. Let’s read some emails. I got this first one on Easter morning. Even if you don’t celebrate the holiday, don’t you have better things to do early on a Sunday morning?

Good morning,

I just recieved an email from ebay that they think this deal did not get done. Would you let them know that it was completed.

Thanks for your help.

This guy gets bonus points for being polite, but unfortunately loses them all for being stupid. I can’t possibly imagine what this guy is talking about. How would I let “them” know anything? I don’t think ebay just sends out random emails like this, either. This guy didn’t send his name, item number or anything with his email, so I can’t even figure out what transaction he’s talking about. What a nutbar.

This next idiot is the kind of idiot I can really support. Dumb as shit, but always bids on my stuff, usually the stuff I post as a joke to see if anyone will bite. He has absolutely no writing or reading skills, but spends thousands of dollars a month on ebay trash. I get frequent emails like this:

is this authentic jersey and how much this jersey goes for email assp

He leaves well thought-out feedback like this:

he is asssome i hope to buy him again

he was great

hew was fine i am sorry i have to go out of town

I really need to add “asssome” to my vocabulary. Later, this same guy asked me:

what do you mean by “a 2″ repair on the front”?

Only a special needs person would be confused by this simple sentence. When a jersey has a two-inch repair on the front, I honestly don’t know how I can possibly dumb it down any more in the item description than what I wrote.

I require that all bidders have a registered Paypal account on file before they bid, mostly to keep out garbage like this:

You ass…your item wouldn’t let me bid on it b/c I didn’t have a paypal account. Matter fact I do, your lose. I wanted to buy the jersey.

So if he really wanted to buy the jersey, why didn’t he just click his mouse three times to add his supposedly existing Paypal account to his ebay account? It takes about 30 seconds to do, which is much quicker and easier than sending me this stupid email. This guy is either ridiculously lazy or a liar. Sounds like your average ebay buyer.

Oh, and he also has 93% feedback AS A BUYER with over 50 total feedback. That’s tough to do without being suspended.

This last person refused to pay at first, then after I filed a non-paying bidder dispute, they paid and sent this:

did u received ma payment already?????

Yesh ah did!!!!!!

February 13, 2008

Surely these people are joking

Sometimes I get questions that are so unbelievably stupid, I actually need to consider whether the potential buyer is just messing with me. Very rarely, they are. Sometimes I check to see if the buyer is foreign and is confused by my English in the item description. Hell, most international buyers speak better English than the high school dropout fecal matter I deal with on a daily basis.

Here are some Q’s and emails where I had to step back to consider if I was the target of a serious mindfuck. They’re in red, official replies by me are in blue, and commentary is in black.

This first one is about a youth basketball jersey I had up. Smallish skinny women will occasionally buy a youth jersey as a belly-revealing tank top, but this is not a proper look for the man who sent these emails:

hey i was jus wondering how long the jersey is i mean i’m 5’9 do you think it’s too small?

You’re 5’9 and you’re wondering if a youth large jersey is going to be too small for you?

Yea, do you think it is? I checked yesterday i’m like 5’10.

Unless you weigh like 80 pounds, it’s going to be skin-tight.

Good lord. Normally I just say “yes” whenever someone asks if they think they’ll fit in whatever size item I have listed, but this is just ridiculous. These jerseys are designed for middle schoolers, not 5’10 dudes. I also enjoyed how he measured himself just for this auction.

This next one is from a seemingly experienced Canadian user. He has a strong understanding of the internet and how ebay works, and by that I mean he’s a brain-dead troglodyte. How he managed to get 120+ feedback is beyond me.

Hi there. Are you on-line now? I want to ask you a question about 2 shirts you have for sale. Thanks.

What? Just ask the question. What does it matter if I’m not sitting at my computer with my gmail window open? I didn’t have any auctions ending for a few days, so it wasn’t like time was of any concern.

Here is a person who is confused with tricky, impossible-to-decipher sizes like “XL.”

Hi what is XL 48 mean? My nephew really wants one of these and is tall and thin. These kind of sizes are not what I am used to looking for so they make no sense. I only know what +2 is. I bid on it and will pay for it if I win even if it is the wrong size, I could always relist it…

She knows what +2 means, but not XL or 48? Jesus…

Here’s another person unable to understand simple concepts:

You have this is not a bootleg item was wondering what a bootleg item is. Thank you. -genasintegrity

Bootleg means fake or not officially licensed.

I can’t believe I was able to give a non-sarcastic answer and play as third-grade vocabulary teacher. Genasintegrity, you are pathetic.

One more. Please tell me this person is just messing with me. No one can be this stupid. I know I say that a lot, but I really mean it here. How can you possibly misinterpret the Best Offer system this way? This is from another SELLER, too.

At time of bidding, your ad read the price OR best offer, and at that time there weren’t any other bids. Maybe you shouldn’t waste time with false advertising. If there weren’t any other offers $10 WAS the best offer.If you don’t want to take the best offer, don’t advertise it that way.

I don’t think you understand the Best Offer system at all. Just because you make an offer on an item with no other offers doesn’t mean you win. It’s up to the seller’s discretion as to what offers are accepted. Typically, offers that reduce the bid price by 5-20% are considered. Anything else is laughed at.

You have no idea how hard it was to come up with a reply that wasn’t I HATE YOU over and over again.

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