Ebay Morons Galore!

February 13, 2008

Surely these people are joking

Sometimes I get questions that are so unbelievably stupid, I actually need to consider whether the potential buyer is just messing with me. Very rarely, they are. Sometimes I check to see if the buyer is foreign and is confused by my English in the item description. Hell, most international buyers speak better English than the high school dropout fecal matter I deal with on a daily basis.

Here are some Q’s and emails where I had to step back to consider if I was the target of a serious mindfuck. They’re in red, official replies by me are in blue, and commentary is in black.

This first one is about a youth basketball jersey I had up. Smallish skinny women will occasionally buy a youth jersey as a belly-revealing tank top, but this is not a proper look for the man who sent these emails:

hey i was jus wondering how long the jersey is i mean i’m 5’9 do you think it’s too small?

You’re 5’9 and you’re wondering if a youth large jersey is going to be too small for you?

Yea, do you think it is? I checked yesterday i’m like 5’10.

Unless you weigh like 80 pounds, it’s going to be skin-tight.

Good lord. Normally I just say “yes” whenever someone asks if they think they’ll fit in whatever size item I have listed, but this is just ridiculous. These jerseys are designed for middle schoolers, not 5’10 dudes. I also enjoyed how he measured himself just for this auction.

This next one is from a seemingly experienced Canadian user. He has a strong understanding of the internet and how ebay works, and by that I mean he’s a brain-dead troglodyte. How he managed to get 120+ feedback is beyond me.

Hi there. Are you on-line now? I want to ask you a question about 2 shirts you have for sale. Thanks.

What? Just ask the question. What does it matter if I’m not sitting at my computer with my gmail window open? I didn’t have any auctions ending for a few days, so it wasn’t like time was of any concern.

Here is a person who is confused with tricky, impossible-to-decipher sizes like “XL.”

Hi what is XL 48 mean? My nephew really wants one of these and is tall and thin. These kind of sizes are not what I am used to looking for so they make no sense. I only know what +2 is. I bid on it and will pay for it if I win even if it is the wrong size, I could always relist it…

She knows what +2 means, but not XL or 48? Jesus…

Here’s another person unable to understand simple concepts:

You have this is not a bootleg item was wondering what a bootleg item is. Thank you. -genasintegrity

Bootleg means fake or not officially licensed.

I can’t believe I was able to give a non-sarcastic answer and play as third-grade vocabulary teacher. Genasintegrity, you are pathetic.

One more. Please tell me this person is just messing with me. No one can be this stupid. I know I say that a lot, but I really mean it here. How can you possibly misinterpret the Best Offer system this way? This is from another SELLER, too.

At time of bidding, your ad read the price OR best offer, and at that time there weren’t any other bids. Maybe you shouldn’t waste time with false advertising. If there weren’t any other offers $10 WAS the best offer.If you don’t want to take the best offer, don’t advertise it that way.

I don’t think you understand the Best Offer system at all. Just because you make an offer on an item with no other offers doesn’t mean you win. It’s up to the seller’s discretion as to what offers are accepted. Typically, offers that reduce the bid price by 5-20% are considered. Anything else is laughed at.

You have no idea how hard it was to come up with a reply that wasn’t I HATE YOU over and over again.

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