Ebay Morons Galore!

July 25, 2008

A package from Texas (Ebay Morons Hall of Fame Idiot #2)

When I checked my mail earlier today, I noticed there was one of those “We Missed You” notes from the post office, telling you they have a package for you that needs a signature. I found it strange, because I’m not expecting anything, let alone anything important enough to be signed for.

I walked over, picked the package up, and once I saw who it was from, I immediately started laughing. I didn’t even need to open it as I knew exactly what was inside. It was an ebay item back from May, whose return was not authorized by me. Let’s start at the beginning.

In late May, this guy bought an authentic Team USA Soccer jersey made by Nike from me. He paid and insisted I use Signature Confirmation. No big deal, kind of a strange request, but whatever. I shipped within 48 hours and after two days or so he started sending me crazy daily emails like this:

I sent you $40 by paypal per our agreement for the White nike
>> USA soccer jersey size Large. Today is May 28th, and as of yesterday, I have
>> STILL not seen it in my PO BOX. Have you sent it yet? Maybe you forgot. I
>> don’t know. If so, PLEASE send it by SIGNATURE CONFIRMATION priority mail.
>> This way we both know I got it. NOBODY but ME signs for mt stuff at my PO
>> BOX just so you know. Please update me on the situation and give mt the
>> tracking number on the signature confirmation. Also, can you get me a
>> Germany white #7 Schweinsteiger jersey in ome white size Large also?
>> Thanks, (HIS NAME)

and:

Hi,
STILL WAITING for my jersey, did you send it yet? Let me know, and give me the postal tracking number for the signature confirmation please so I can look at expected delivery date. Also, what can you sell me a white home Germany soccer with #7 Schweinsteiger name kit and the Euro 2008 patch on the shoulder in size LARGE? Please advise.

I had already shipped his jersey with the SigCon so I looked up the tracking number. Turns out he’s one of those idiots who complains about slow shipping, when the item is sitting at his post office, waiting to be picked up. I sent him:

I looked up the tracking number and saw this:

“Label/Receipt Number: 9121 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Status: Notice Left

We attempted to deliver your item at 11:01 AM on June 6, 2008 in SPRING, TX 77393 and a notice was left. It can be redelivered or picked up at the Post Office. If the item is unclaimed, it will be returned to the sender. Information, if available, is updated every evening. Please check again later.”

So it looks like you have your item after all. You just need to pick it up. Also, you were sent an automatic email from Paypal with full shipping/tracking information when I shipped, so I don’t know why you’re still asking for a number. Thanks.

I noticed he finally picked up the jersey two days later, so I figured all was well. Not so much. Almost two weeks later I got this:

Hi,
The jersey arrived and picked it up yesterday. Unfortunately, it looks like NIKE has “downsized” their jerseys a bit. Though it says same exact measurements as my Manchester United jersey (which fits me perfectly). However, the shoulders are too tight, the torso seems a bit small, and the sleeves are way too short. So I need that same jersey in Size Extra Large please (XL) instead. I put the USA jersey on top of my Man U. jersey, and saw it could practically “fit” into my MAn U. jersey. I know the XL in USA white will fit, so please set one aside for me and I’ll send it back to you, then you send me the right size. The jersey is really nice. Too bad Nike can’t keep their sizing correctly. Notr your fault. Oh well, that’s the way the ball bounces, huh? Have a great day, and please advise me that you HAVE set aside an Extra Large in this USA jersey for me. Thanks.
Cheers, (HIS NAME)

Note how he says he picked the jersey up “yesterday” when he actually did like 12 days previous. Did it take him two full weeks to send this email? Disregarding that, I don’t know what more I could have done for this guy. The item was accurately listed and I provided measurements. I didn’t even have any more size XLs at this point, so I just had a laugh at yet another worthless soccer fan and moved on.

Fast forward to today, about six weeks later. I opened up the package and enclosed was a letter. Here it is, with personal info edited (click me).

Seriously, what the hell? Why does he think I have size XL of this? Who just sends an item back like that, with no authorization? He used Priority Mail with SigCon, too, which cost him $7+. I’ve sold tens upon tens of thousands of items over the years and this has never happened. I’ve never even heard of it happening. This situation is so profoundly idiotic, I’m not even sure I’m doing it justice. Why does he keep asking for a Schweinsteiger Germany jersey IN EVERY EMAIL? I sold two or three USA Soccer jerseys in a month and now I’m his go-to guy for all soccer apparel? I don’t even know who Schweinsteiger is. Fuck.

I’ve dealt with three people from The Woodlands, TX over the last few years and all three have been functionally retarded in some way. What is going on in that part of Texas? Is the government secretly running tests there to create some sort of Super-Idiot-Manchild that cannot be stopped? If so, it is definitely working.

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May 7, 2008

I know, I know, I am a terrible person but this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen (Ebay Morons Hall of Fame Idiot #1)

It’s about time I created a Hall of Fame for those special morons, the ones that make you laugh every time you read their emails, the ones that transcend all name-calling and must be seen to be believed. Halls of Fame must be opened with a bang, though, and I know just the guy to start.

Unfortunately, this is also the *only* ebay moron I’ve ever dealt with that I’ve felt even the smallest tinge of pity for when it was over. As you’ll see, I couldn’t even respond to his last two emails. I abused this guy strictly for laughs. He was my cheap Taiwanese comedy whore.

Oh shit, who cares, this is too funny not to share.

What’s funny is that this guy wasn’t even a customer of mine. He was just some loser with too much time on his hands. He sent me this message via the “Ask Seller a Question” form on a Buffalo Sabres jersey I was selling. He’s in red and my replies are in blue. Like always, everything is unaltered, exactly how I received it.

You state:
Cheapest price ANYWHERE on the internet and in stores!!

I saw this at AJ Wright for $49.99 just on Tuesday.

What’s AJ Wright?

uh it’s a store owned by TJ MAXX

Who’s this TJ Maxx fellow? I’ve never heard of him. Sounds like a fake name.

At this point, I’m clearly just messing with him. Of course I know what AJ Wright is. It’s a major national department store. There’s hundreds of them across the country. That’s like not knowing what Macy’s or Sears is. Would this guy catch on?

Yea ok act stupid or something you know what I am talking about and in fact I bought two and have the receipt to show you which I can scan.

Okay, he did catch on. I guess this guy isn’t *that* stupid. Wait a minute…

Could you? I simply don’t believe you.

Here you go and I have pics of the 2 jersey’s.

Stop playing stupid.

Attached file:

the receipt scan he sent me

Well, that’s basically unreadable. Seriously, using a scanner is NOT this difficult. The image border is mine. I had to do a simple photoshop edit to actually look at what he sent me. Here’s that:

'shopped receipt

Yup, so that’s a receipt all right. At this point, this is already pretty funny. He’s already willing to scan a receipt and upload it to a complete stranger on the internet. Could I make this guy do more? Yes, yes I could.

Come on. We both know that doesn’t prove anything. Where on the receipt does it say “Impossibly Cheap Buffalo Sabres Mitchell & Ness Jersey — $49.99”? You could have bought any two items from that store that cost $49.99, inlcuding a recently returned toaster oven and a large teddy bear wearing a top hat with a cane. It also doesn’t prove it’s yours. You could have easily found that on the street, flying in the breeze.

If you really want to prove your point, I’m going to need to see a photo of you, holding a jersey in each hand, with a sign saying “XXXXXXX@cs.com” in front. Simply having a pic of the jersey doesn’t cut it, either, because those could have been lifted from anyone’s ebay auction (even mine!). I just think you’re making the whole thing up.

Ok, there’s absolutely no way he’s going to do this. Who would go to such lengths to prove some stranger wrong on the internet? Remember, he’s not even a customer or potential customer. He even admits I’m playing stupid with him! I’ve had my laughs, but I just went a little too far. I’ll never hear from him again. Time to file this one in my Funny folder and move on.

But wait…

Oh shit.

Come on.

No fucking way.

Not ONE HOUR later, I receive an email from him, with an attachment!

I just think your being stupid because you know that your not the cheapest.

Your pic is attached.

I will await your apology.

PS after I have them rerung and use gift certificates I bought thru DEALPASS I will only be paying $42 a piece.

Attached file:

what more can i say?

Good lord man, have some dignity. After staring at the screen for about 10 minutes, I felt like Cartman on that one episode of South Park where he sees the funniest thing in the world (Kenny’s ass on the missing kids section of a milk carton) and now nothing else is funny. What else could possibly top this? This happened ~20 months ago and nothing has come close and no previous imbecile has come close.

This is the funniest ebay moron I’ll ever deal with.

Seriously, just think about this situation from his point of view. What did he tell the person who took the photo? “Oh, it’s nothing. This is to prove I bought these jerseys cheap. No, I am not insane, why do you ask?”

I was left speechless. What more could I say? This was perfect. Maybe I could have pushed it farther. “That’s still not proof it’s you. Make a movie of you putting the jersey on, while writing your email address on the crest in thick black Sharpie. Then, after you’re done editing the video, put it on YouTube so I can really be sure you bought those jerseys at that price. Otherwise you’re lying.”

After two days:

No Comment huh?

Nope, none.

By the way, if I happen to not update this for a while, it means this guy has somehow tracked me down and has crushed my body into a cube. It could happen. He’s clearly crazy. Just look at those eyes. Damn.

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